Take It on the Chin: Sparring, Self-Control, and Leadership

Thursday night in my dojo is teen sparring night. That means gloves, sweat, strategy, and sometimes a little drama. Last week’s session delivered all three.

We had a mix of 13- to 17-year-olds on the mat. One of them, a 17-year-old black belt, isn’t an official leader, but when you’re older and wearing that belt, there’s an unspoken expectation: act like it. He was paired with a 13-year-old who’d recently moved up to the teen class. Talented kid, scrappy, but giving up a whole lot of size.

Now, my 17-year-old doesn’t like to wear headgear. Normally, it’s not an issue, we emphasize control and responsibility. But this time, he took a clean shot to the face. Nothing malicious, just a younger student trying to keep pace. The 13-year-old immediately apologized, like he should have. End of story, right?

Not quite.

The 17-year-old, instead of shrugging it off, lashed out with a kick while the younger student was bending down. Totally against the rules. No question it was retaliation.

I stopped the match, checked on the younger student (he was fine), and told the 17-year-old his behavior was unacceptable. Especially after an apology had already been given. Teaching moment unlocked.


The Air Force Connection

I told the class we’d cut sparring short because I had a story to share.
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I asked them: “What if a superior in the Air Force unfairly targeted you…would you be angry?” Every hand shot up. Including our 17-year-old.

Then I asked: “What would’ve happened if I had lashed out every time I felt wronged by a peer, subordinate, or leader?”

Exactly. The consequences would have been far worse than the offense.

Instead, what I learned to do was this:

• Evaluate my behavior first. Did I do something to trigger this?
• If yes, own it. If no, seek understanding.
• If the offense wasn’t malicious and the person apologized, I let it go. Take it on the chin and don’t put myself in that same position again.

That approach didn’t just keep me out of trouble in the military, it made me a stronger leader.


The Leadership Lessons

1. Self-control is a leader’s first line of defense.
   Leaders don’t get the luxury of retaliating every time they feel slighted. Control isn’t weakness; it’s strength under pressure.
2. Evaluate before you escalate.
   Ask yourself: did I play a role in this conflict? Was it intentional or accidental? Nine times out of ten, it’s not personal, it’s perspective.
3. An apology deserves a pause.
   If someone immediately apologizes, give them the benefit of the doubt. Forgiveness de-escalates faster than retaliation ever will.
4. ​Patience + understanding = influence.
   A leader who can hold their emotions in check earns trust, respect, and followership. One who lashes out? They only inspire fear.

Conflict Resolution in Action

Here’s the part I want to highlight: this whole moment wasn’t just about correcting one student. I had already spoken directly to the 17-year-old and counseled him when the incident occurred. What came afterward was my way of teaching conflict resolution to the entire group without putting him on the spot or causing unnecessary embarrassment.

I seized the opportunity to show the whole class how to handle conflict, own your part, assess intent, accept apologies, and move forward. That way, the lesson landed for everyone, not just one person.


The Follow-Up

The best part of this story? The 17-year-old showed up to the next class with a completely different demeanor. Positive, encouraging, and respectful toward another younger teen. That’s growth.

Sometimes leadership lessons don’t land in the moment. But when they take root, they change behavior. That’s when you know you’re making an impact.


⚡ Final thought: Whether you’re on the mats, at school, at work, or in the middle of an Air Force assignment, you’re going to get hit, sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. Leaders don’t retaliate. Leaders pause, evaluate, and decide if this is a moment to fight back, or a moment to simply take it on the chin.

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