“Parent the Performance, Not the Preferences”

Early in my Air Force career, I had to write my first performance report. It’s the military version of a yearly progress report, except it could determine promotions, assignments, and a person’s future.

The rating scale ran from 1 to 5. A 5 meant they were exceptional. A 1? Let’s just say they were on their way out.

One of my subordinates, a young K-9 handler, received a 3 from me, an average score. I wrote the evaluation, justified the rating, and sent it to my supervisor. I thought I had done a good job.

My supervisor called me into his office after reading it.

He looked at me and said, “Kinchen, your write-up doesn’t match the 3. You’ve got two options: either change the narrative to justify the lower score or raise the score to reflect the performance you described.”

I took a second, then bumped the rating up to a 4. Because deep down, I knew I had let my personal feelings get in the way. I didn’t love how the young man lived his life outside of work. But his personal choices weren’t breaking the law, they weren’t affecting his job, and they weren’t putting anyone in danger.

In other words, they had no business being part of his evaluation.


What This Has to Do with Parenting

You might be thinking, “Cool military story, Cliff, but I’m raising a kid, not leading a troop.” True. But the same principle applies.

Too many times, we judge our kids based on what we prefer instead of how they’re actually doing. We let our values, our personalities, even our pasts creep into how we evaluate their growth.

We end up focusing on:

• What we would’ve done differently.
• What we think is the “right” way.
• How we think it should look or feel.

Instead of focusing on:

• Are they learning?
• Are they safe?
• Are they treating others with kindness?
• Are they putting in effort?

If the answer to those questions is yes, then maybe they’re doing better than we’re giving them credit for.


What My Supervisor Did Right

Another lesson came from what my supervisor didn’t do. He didn’t change the rating himself. He didn’t tell me what to do. He laid out the situation and gave me the responsibility to make the right call.

That’s parenting.

We can’t (and shouldn’t) make every decision for our kids. But we can put them in situations where they learn to think, decide, and grow, and then trust them enough to do it.

And maybe…trust ourselves enough to let go of our preferences when performance looks different than expected.


Takeaways for Parents

• Check your bias. We all have them. Be aware of the ones rooted in your past, your personality, or your comfort zone—and make sure they’re not driving how you “grade” your kid.
• Separate your values from their progress. If it’s not unsafe, illegal, or harming someone, it might just be a different path, not a wrong one.
• Let them earn your trust, and their independence. Give feedback, give guidance, but also give space to grow.

Your kid doesn’t need you to grade their choices based on your life.
They need you to evaluate them based on their effort, their heart, and their journey.


Final Thought

Sometimes the best parenting doesn’t come from a book or a podcast.
Sometimes it comes from a military performance report.

I’m glad I learned that lesson back then, because now, as a parent and as someone who teaches kids every day, I see how much it matters.

Not just in the dojo. Not just in the classroom.

But in life.

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