THe Kind Of Leader I wanted to Be

When I was 25, I applied for a position called Plans and Programs Manager at my Air Force law enforcement unit. My wife was pregnant with our first daughter, and the position offered more stability, expanded responsibilities, and a new avenue for professional growth. It wasn’t just a promotion, it was an opportunity to provide more for my growing family.

The role wasn’t easy to get. It required the endorsement of senior base leadership, and there were concerns about my rank and experience. But my superintendent, who would later become my direct supervisor, stood up for me. He made the case that I was the best person for the job. Thanks to his advocacy, I got the position.

About six months later, I found myself in charge of preparing our base’s resource protection plan for a major inspection. It was a massive responsibility involving every agency on base. Right in the middle of the chaos, my wife went into labor. After the delivery, I checked on my family and returned to work, not sure what would happen next.

When my superintendent saw me, he didn’t ask for an update or press me about deadlines. Instead, he asked how my family was and then told me to hand him everything I’d worked on; he’d finish the plan himself so I could go home and be with my family.

That kind of leadership stays with you.

I didn’t take the time off. Instead, I worked while my family slept. I finished the plan, and our base passed its inspection with flying colors. I didn’t do it because I had to. I did it because I didn’t want to let him down.

That’s the power of referent leadership: the ability to influence and inspire through respect, character, and genuine care. It’s the kind of leadership that earns loyalty without demanding it. My superintendent didn’t just lead us, he believed in us. And I’ve tried to lead the same way ever since.

Maybe it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to let him down.

Maybe it was that he never wanted to let me down either.


The Leadership Lessons:

• Referent leadership is about respect, not rank. True influence comes from how you treat people, not the title you hold. When leaders genuinely care for their people, that respect is returned tenfold.

 

• Advocacy builds loyalty. Standing up for someone when others doubt them creates a bond that can’t be broken by titles or hierarchy. Leaders who go to bat for their people earn a rare kind of trust.

 

• People don’t want to let great leaders down. When a leader invests in you, shows integrity, and leads with empathy, you naturally want to give your best, not out of obligation, but out of mutual respect.

 

• Balance doesn’t mean stepping back, it means lifting each other up. When leaders step in to support during critical life moments, it doesn’t just preserve team function…it inspires lasting commitment.

 

• The best leadership creates more leaders. My desire to emulate that superintendent’s leadership wasn’t born from admiration alone, it came from witnessing its impact firsthand.

Would you follow your leader because you have to, or because you want to? That answer tells you everything about the kind of culture you’re building.

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